Tuesday, June 29, 2010

'The Heart is treacherous, who could know it'

.... As many times as we are warned of the pitfalls of the heart, we all...at some point...become a victim to it.Its a scary thing, to have to open up and be intimate with another person...a person who we become so attached to that we literally leave our heart in their hands. "what if they damage it, what if they hurt it, what if they dispose of it?" We never REALLY ask ourselves these questions until the aftermath...unless we're completely guarded, which is just as scary as giving someone else our heart. Being guarded...too guarded, will only lead a person into loneliness.
      I feel as though I can speak from both sides of the spectrum...even though I have yet allowed myself to truly fall in love with someone, completely ungaurded...thats not easy for a person as myself...someone who has been let down many times by the people she has loved. Yet, I have seen it many many times...the pitfalls of both spectrums.
  Love Im sure is a gratifying experience...to pick someone to start a family with out of the 7 billion people in the world...wow...Ive seen many broken hearts, but at the same time, i have seen hearts become whole again. Amazing how one choice in our life can create or destruct our future...Thats probably why I havent fallen in love...i over think EVERYTHING, and analyze it...

"what if that person doesnt love me back?, what if they say they choose me, but someone else comes along?, what if once they know who i am inside and out, they no longer like what they see?" A very close friend of mine has been asking herself these questions...and i have always been too scared to even THINK about these questions (aw so guarded...but im working on it ;)) But, I have seen so much personal growth through her experience of falling in love, and as hard as it is having her heart broken...It has made me realize that being vulnerable towards another person, can really help us to know OURSELVES better. As painful as its been for her, she has been able to really see herself I think for the first time, who she really is...A beautiful, ambitious, secure, strong women...and the man that let that go, has lost the best thing that will ever happen to him.

You know there are soooo many stories of love...and we all cant help ourselves by wanting to know whos with who, and why :) I believe this is because, Love is the most secure bond two people can have...we all want it, were all looking for it, and only a few genuinely have it...I personally am willing to wait to genuinely have someone who loves me for me, not for what i am on the outside, but the inside...and  I honestly cannot wait to feel that way about someone else...even if it means a broken heart, I am...for the first time in 23 years, ready to allow myself to find someone, and allow someone to love me...to trust someone else with myself. (sounds scary on paper haha) okay done being deep :p
Until next time,
~X~

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What the Future holds...

To contemplate the future at times seems...irrelevant. So much depends on a person reaching a particular goal...timing, energy,maturity, money,training...all these things lead us into the future of our lives. For me, I know what I want, I just seem to get diverted on the way, and have a hard time getting back on track. 


What I Want:


I want to live a peaceful life, with good close friends. I want to teach people about Jehovah and help them to appreciate him the way I do. I want to enjoy creation...FULLY enjoy it. Camp, sleep under the stars, swim in rivers, lakes, and oceans, hike mountains, pick berries, grow fruitage. I want to be healthy...I want to fall madly in love with someone who enjoys life as much as I do, but loves Jehovah more than me. I want to travel....never staying in one place to long, but long enough to touch peoples lives. I want to ride my bicycle and listen to live music. I want to not only enjoy music, but create it, because I truly feel alive when I'm involved in any way. Yes, Its a simple life, not a lot materially needed, but it sounds full and rich :)


I know Ill accomplish it, maybe not on my time scale, but Jehovah always provides the desires of our hearts...I want to continually serve Jehovah purely and faithfully.  I hope that those that I'm close to now, will be in my future...I have a great group of friends, people that I can count on and truly care about. I'm so thankful to finally have people I feel free around. Its so exhilerating to not have to worry and to just be yourself. Thank you to all of you I can do this with...I truly am thankful.