Thursday, December 23, 2010

Fading into the abyss of uncertanty

Fading...Fading away...fading into what?
The walls are closing in...loneliness is just a blurr
the more I learn the less I understand
The more I know the more I wish I could forget
The negative thoughts and reactions bruise me deep
Deep enough to wonder when they will heal.
When will the black and blue subside?
For the first time in my life I feel the desire to need someone
I guess Im lucky to have made it this far without it.
Strength is a virtue
but to become strong you must face and conquer battles
I know nothing is forever but sometimes waiting for something feels like an eternity.



“When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder.  Everything moved me.  A dog followed a stranger.  That made me feel so much.  A calendar that showed the wrong month.  I cried over it…I spent my life learning to feel less.” ~ Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close by John Safran Foer



Its amazing how our choices and decisions now, can not only effect ourselves and the people around us at present...but the generations of our offspring decades from now. Its a trickle effect. What once burdened us will likely burden our offspring. The way we handle situations, will be the way generation after generation of our bloodline handle the same situations. Its a learned behavior. By being aware of it the pace CAN be changed.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Highways

Time to change thinking patterns...Im at a crossroads, again...Im pretty sure they come about every five years. Its that time again to contemplate where Im heading in life...am I taking the lead of my future, or am I allowing my future to be guided by situations and other people? I think for a little while I got confused. I began living life the way I felt others wanted me to...what was expected of me...and I lost in that journey, what not only was important to me, but what made me ME... Well Im ready to Re conquer the world :) I have decided what type of person I want to be and what my new PLAN is to get me there...I decide If i posted it in a blog Id be much more apt to doing it, because it would be a complete reminder in cyberspace of who I wanted to be at 23...Now, I do realize life happens whether planned or not...but Im not creating my "journey" in writing, Im creating the path in which I want my journey of life to take. In 5 years from now I will be 28...and this is what I hope to accomplish:

1st) This Years GOALS:

  • Focus on Sign Language...really get to know the language
  • read the bible deeply
  • Pioneer again
  • Be happy living simply
  • Move in June to Michigan
  • Move next Sept to the DR
  • Build a business selling my handmade items
  • continue my creative outlets. ie: drawing, writing, crocheting, making headbands and jewelry, and get into sewing
  • Feel healthy inside and out

2nd) Far Future Goals:

  • Continue pioneering 
  • Continue being used as much as possible in Jehovahs service
  • Have great adventures
  • Meet exciting People
  • Have the life Ive always wanted. ie: serving Jah with everything, camping with friends, living simply, traveling the world, falling in love, helping people, keeping the company of good friends.
  • I want to have spent time in Rome, greece, and Italy.
What Ive realized in the past year, is that all of this is extremely possible...none of it is out of my reach. It just takes a different frame of mind to accomplish them. Im scared that if  I dont take action now, then I will be stuck...stuck in a life that Im not sure where its going. I dont want to be stuck in petty drama, and 30hr work weeks...I dont want to be stuck wondering.."why didnt i..." Fear is what holds us back. Fear in either what we want, or fear of actually having what we want. Im not scared anymore. I am empowered to work with the life I have and enjoy the ride to accomplishing the things I want to accomplish. I was always envious of people that were accomplishing what I wanted to do...and wondered how were they able to do it all...whats the secret? Well I now know the secret...its simple...change the way you think, and anything is possible. It takes work to accomplish goals, and nothing easy ever lasts...but put in the time and we will all be greatly rewarded.

I am definitely thankful of what life has given me, and I have learned from my mistakes. Im ready to start this new chapter in my life :) Ill keep you posted on this awesome journey. (cheesy i know)

Sealed with a kiss,
~X~

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

'The Heart is treacherous, who could know it'

.... As many times as we are warned of the pitfalls of the heart, we all...at some point...become a victim to it.Its a scary thing, to have to open up and be intimate with another person...a person who we become so attached to that we literally leave our heart in their hands. "what if they damage it, what if they hurt it, what if they dispose of it?" We never REALLY ask ourselves these questions until the aftermath...unless we're completely guarded, which is just as scary as giving someone else our heart. Being guarded...too guarded, will only lead a person into loneliness.
      I feel as though I can speak from both sides of the spectrum...even though I have yet allowed myself to truly fall in love with someone, completely ungaurded...thats not easy for a person as myself...someone who has been let down many times by the people she has loved. Yet, I have seen it many many times...the pitfalls of both spectrums.
  Love Im sure is a gratifying experience...to pick someone to start a family with out of the 7 billion people in the world...wow...Ive seen many broken hearts, but at the same time, i have seen hearts become whole again. Amazing how one choice in our life can create or destruct our future...Thats probably why I havent fallen in love...i over think EVERYTHING, and analyze it...

"what if that person doesnt love me back?, what if they say they choose me, but someone else comes along?, what if once they know who i am inside and out, they no longer like what they see?" A very close friend of mine has been asking herself these questions...and i have always been too scared to even THINK about these questions (aw so guarded...but im working on it ;)) But, I have seen so much personal growth through her experience of falling in love, and as hard as it is having her heart broken...It has made me realize that being vulnerable towards another person, can really help us to know OURSELVES better. As painful as its been for her, she has been able to really see herself I think for the first time, who she really is...A beautiful, ambitious, secure, strong women...and the man that let that go, has lost the best thing that will ever happen to him.

You know there are soooo many stories of love...and we all cant help ourselves by wanting to know whos with who, and why :) I believe this is because, Love is the most secure bond two people can have...we all want it, were all looking for it, and only a few genuinely have it...I personally am willing to wait to genuinely have someone who loves me for me, not for what i am on the outside, but the inside...and  I honestly cannot wait to feel that way about someone else...even if it means a broken heart, I am...for the first time in 23 years, ready to allow myself to find someone, and allow someone to love me...to trust someone else with myself. (sounds scary on paper haha) okay done being deep :p
Until next time,
~X~

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What the Future holds...

To contemplate the future at times seems...irrelevant. So much depends on a person reaching a particular goal...timing, energy,maturity, money,training...all these things lead us into the future of our lives. For me, I know what I want, I just seem to get diverted on the way, and have a hard time getting back on track. 


What I Want:


I want to live a peaceful life, with good close friends. I want to teach people about Jehovah and help them to appreciate him the way I do. I want to enjoy creation...FULLY enjoy it. Camp, sleep under the stars, swim in rivers, lakes, and oceans, hike mountains, pick berries, grow fruitage. I want to be healthy...I want to fall madly in love with someone who enjoys life as much as I do, but loves Jehovah more than me. I want to travel....never staying in one place to long, but long enough to touch peoples lives. I want to ride my bicycle and listen to live music. I want to not only enjoy music, but create it, because I truly feel alive when I'm involved in any way. Yes, Its a simple life, not a lot materially needed, but it sounds full and rich :)


I know Ill accomplish it, maybe not on my time scale, but Jehovah always provides the desires of our hearts...I want to continually serve Jehovah purely and faithfully.  I hope that those that I'm close to now, will be in my future...I have a great group of friends, people that I can count on and truly care about. I'm so thankful to finally have people I feel free around. Its so exhilerating to not have to worry and to just be yourself. Thank you to all of you I can do this with...I truly am thankful.


Monday, May 17, 2010

Isnt it funny?....

      Its funny, I went to a show last night, and there were soo many different types of people there. Some older, many younger, some with peircings and head banger hair, others clean cut and dressed up. 

     My favorite part  about music, is just that. It brings so many different people from such diverse walks of life, to a crowded bar, stadium, or feild and everyone is inertwind by the constant pulsations of the bass and drums...and are connected through lyrics and sweat. ahhh...live music is like the heartbeat of creativity. It takes every ounce of energy to create, and can touch so many lives in a five minute song. Oh how I wish I could create that way. I am and always will be indebted to all the musicians and lyricists out there. You have helped me through some of the toughest times, and contributed to some of the best times in my life. Songs are what can link the past to present. They are what can bring back memories and feelings that you may want to forget, or hold onto forever. I know that when I fall in love the infamous "our song" will be the most significant song to me. One that I want to live on in my heart forever :) Music is what connects people. Its something that can be shared no matter where you are, or where you're from. 

    One summer, when I was 18 my closest friends and I decided that we were going to have the best and most exciting summer EVERRR!!!. So we decided that we were going to do every single thing in the Ataris song, "In this Diary"...it was the best summer we ever had. there is a line that has stayed with me as I grow up,

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right. 
 Its an anthem that I will never forget, and always live by...one that will help me remember the best summer ever. :) That my friend, is the reason music is so profound. It is a memoir that we wouldnt of been able to create for ourselves, but when a song comes on the radio or ipod, and all those feelings of jubilance and youth come fluttering back we are reminded of where weve come from and where we aspire to be.


Sealed with a kiss,
X

Friday, May 14, 2010

Hey remember that time when i ate boxes of tangerines?

Its funny how quickly life can change. One minute you're 18 and the whole world is at your fingertips, and the next thing you know, everything that was comfortable to you is gone...people change, people grow up, people grow apart. Its all a part of growing up. I'm fine with it all it just takes time to adjust. And then once you've adjusted, everything changes again...its a continuous cycle.
This blog isnt intended to catch everyone's attention its just an outlet for me. An outlet to get my feelings across on some broad subjects, and some unpretentious subjects. I'm trying to get back to the basics of me...of who i am...Ive seemed to have lost myself in being there constantly for others. Its frustrating when others seem to know you better than you know yourself. I've began doing the things that brought me joy and definition to my life, things in which i have given up in sacrifice for, what i believe to inevitably be accepted by my peers.
I've always been quirky, and a bit dramatic at times lol. But I'm on the path of getting my "spunk" back, as one of clients described it. He is actually the one that initiated this blog. I used to write creatively ALL THE TIME...I used to paint, I used to be into photography, anything that i could have a creative outlet...I lost that for a bit, but I'm working on it again...it feels good to be honest with myself and anyone else who reads this.
This past year has truly put a test on my faith and my character. What did I learn from this? I actually learned that I AM an independent person and a confident one at that. Especially when it comes to my beliefs. I have a fighting streak in me, in the sense that ill fight till the end if its for something i believe in. I guess that would make me a passionate person? I like that :) Ok im done for now. But my goal is to stay up to date with these posts...maybe entertaining some people at the same time :)

Sealed with a Kiss,
X